WAYS TO DEAL WITH FAMILY DENIAL ABOUT DECLINING HEALTH
How much resistance do you encounter when you try to bring up health or medical challenges with a spouse, a parent, or another Senior loved one? It may seem that the more you insist – they resist! Do you get pushback from siblings or relatives when you try to discuss a parent’s fall risk, forgetfulness or frailty? It can be frustrating when aging or illness brings with it cognitive and physical impairment, and family roles begin to change. You are not alone!
The mere mention of their declining health can send an older adult into a tailspin. When incapacity or illness threatens the status quo, it can distress a family member to such an extent that denial becomes a more comfortable coping mechanism. So how to proceed? Are Mom and Dad resisting your help because they fear losing their independence? You have to be both practical and proactive when health related safety issues take precedence. Perhaps it time to have a “care”-versation!
Communication is key in a “care”-versation. The first step to take with Senior loved ones should be to let them know you understand aging brings on new challenges, and that you want to be involved but are not trying to take control away from them. Make it clear you are putting safety first, since the risks of falls, car accidents, missed medication doses, etc., can be dangerous. Be sure they realize that accepting some assistance to maintain their quality of life is not a sign of weakness.
Second, try to remember that most Seniors will vehemently disagree with you about what they really need, as opposed to what you think they do. Try to get to the bottom of why the individual or other family members might not be accepting the reality of a medical condition or declining health status. Are your parents, spouse, or siblings denying the truth even though medical tests are conclusive, consultants or neutral third parties have conducted assessments? Consider that perhaps medical conditions like Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s and their impact on health, wellness, or daily activities, may not be fully understood. Have some educational materials available for review during your “care”-versation. In the case of a sibling or other relation, it might be that they do not want to be asked to help with caregiving activities or want to take responsibility for any part of a loved one’s daily routine. To prepare an action plan that works, expectations about how much help and support parents can expect from the family should be discussed – and adult children and family members must be encouraged to be honest and realistic about how much assistance they can provide.
Third, put your personal frustrations aside. Be a good listener, and attempt to address individual concerns. Sarcasm, anger, and bullying have no place in the “care’-versation, and will only make everyone more resistant. Be as unemotional as possible when discussing options, and emphasize the fact that any transition will take time and patience, necessary changes will not happen overnight. Don’t argue about, or try to control every detail, instead concentrate on the important items like safety, wellness, and finances. Your loved one is frightened – you need to reassure them you will protect their independence, the respect and dignity they deserve will not be taken away, but their safety is of the utmost importance. Help them understand their limitations while inviting their trust. Don’t present changes as permanent, instead consider saying, “…let’s try this for a while and see how it works out.”
Last, but not least, do not make it harder by waiting till the last minute to have the “care”-versation. You do not want a medical emergency to force difficult decisions to be made under stressful circumstances. In the end, no parent or spouse wants to be a burden to their family. Get them involved in making the decisions, so that they feel empowered and that they have the support of family members.
Seniors can continue to enjoy their golden years even though they may need assistance at home! If the individual’s safety is threatened, and they are extremely resistant to home care, a professional experienced in geriatrics, elderly behavior and senior home care, could be a good option to bring in for consultation. Often a neutral third party can help build a consensus within the family by addressing anxieties in a non-threatening, comforting manner, overcoming the objections to assistance, and tackling fear of change and loss of independence. Remember communication between all parties is key. The services of a home health agency can be an important piece of the puzzle necessary for your parents or spouse to age well, safely and comfortably in their own home.
Till Next Time!
Irv Seldin, JD, President and Owner, Visiting Angels of the Palm Beaches
This article is not intended as medical, legal, or financial advice.