Tips for a Happy Visit With a Loved One Who Has Dementia

Visits are a great way to support your loved one. It shows that you care, and it brings fresh energy and perspective into his or her situation. The gift of your attention and your company is generous, kind and concretely helpful.

It can feel a bit difficult, though, to visit a loved one who is ill or aging, especially if he or she has dementia. What exactly defines dementia? The Alzheimer’s Association explains: “Dementia is not a specific disease. It's an overall term that describes a group of symptoms associated with a decline in memory or other thinking skills severe enough to reduce a person's ability to perform everyday activities.” Alzheimer’s Disease is a type of dementia.

Some symptoms of dementia include memory loss, difficulty communicating, trouble focusing and a loss of judgement or reasoning ability. As you’d imagine, it’s hard to adjust to life with these new challenges, which is why it’s so helpful when someone loved and familiar visits.

Understandably, you may feel worried about seeing your loved one affected in this way. But try to move pass that discomfort. The care and joy that you bring outweighs anything that you might say or do that you may worry is “wrong.” If there are a couple of awkward moments, don’t worry. Keep in mind these tips and enjoy a happy visit.

Logistics

When you’re coming for your first visit, plan to stay 45 minutes to an hour. Don’t stress or apologize for not having visited sooner, more, etc. What matters is that you’re here now- that’s wonderful!

Find out when is the best time of the day for your loved one to have a visitor and aim for that time slot. Keep your visit short. Set yourself up for success, and for another short visit in the future.

Don’t Worry About Controlling the Narrative

Sometimes, a person struggling with dementia may have a tighter grasp on old memories than on new developments. For example, your uncle may not remember where his son moved last year, but he may be able to recount every detail of the Sunday dinners that your grandma made 70 years ago.

Allow your loved one to talk about what he needs to. If he asks the same questions a couple times, answer it with enthusiasm each time. Repetition is likely to be part of this social interaction, but that’s no big deal.

Try to think of fun questions that your loved one will enjoy answering - questions about your parents, about your grandparents, and about family traditions. Ask about his experiences when he was a student; for example, if he remembers if his class celebrated Valentine’s Day, or what was the first job he had, or what was the best dessert his mother made when he was a kid.

The conversation may not be about current events, but it may give you a unique glimpse into your family archives. Embrace it as such. Sometimes those old memories are clear while the newer ones are less so. Let your loved one talk. Ask questions. Listen. Enjoy the unique perspective the interaction brings without trying to make it adhere to the conventions that other conversations do. Don’t sweat the details. Let it flow.

Bring Props

Pictures, music, or specials foods: paczki, potica, conchas all evoke memories and stories of the old neighborhood, the old country, the family. Recall those things that you always ate, drank or discussed as a family. Bring those things for your visit. Even if you can’t get the “real deal,” bring what you can find.

It gives you the chance to embrace this experience as the special opportunity it is. It also gives you a focal point, something memory evocative to enjoy and discuss.

Depending on what stage your loved one is in, he or she may nor may not be able to fully participate, but engaging the senses has a remarkable effect on the memory, so give it a try.

Be at Peace

Be calm and present. Sit by your loved one in solidarity - a rock against the encroaching confusion. This assures your loved one that he matters, that she is loved.

It also demonstrates to the rest of your family, including the children who are watching you, that this is how your tribe cares for each other, creating your family legacy of care.