GET SIBLINGS SHARING THE CARING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
Having a tough time sharing family caregiving duties with siblings? Not just around the holidays, but every day, it can be frustrating when brothers and sisters don’t step up to share in the care of senior parents or loved ones. Often time constraints, distance, job duties or other family dynamics are to blame. Still that doesn’t mean that resentment doesn’t set in for the one or two family members who feel they are carrying the bulk of the burden of care.
Understanding that this is an emotionally-charged situation might help. Dealing with conflicts and old family issues up front might make a difference. But often the situation is complex with control issues and financial complications. Try to address what is causing sibling tension. Is it disagreements over how much your parents need help? Is it too many excuses to avoid caregiving responsibilities? Sometime siblings may have different ideas about what parents need and often deal with their parents’ decline in different ways.
Here’s the road map for re-balancing family caregiving responsibilities in the New Year ahead when one person has been doing all the work!
1. Understand why sibling tensions can erupt as parents need care. It’s an emotional roller coaster watching your parents decline. Everyone has different ways of coping with a parent’s aging – like denial, anger, sadness, or fear. Old feelings and arguments are being stirred up from childhood. Competition kicks in again over the need for love, approval, or to be seen as the most important or competent child. These struggles manifest themselves as arguments over who does what, how much each person does, and who’s in charge.
2. In a perfect world, families would think about and discuss in advance who will be the primary caregiver and how other family members will help. Often the sibling who lives close by starts helping parents with small things, but a year later they’re now spending 50+ hours a week providing care and feeling very angry at the other siblings for not doing their share.
It’s easy for families to make common assumptions like the son will handle finances and the daughter will take care of the physical needs. Don’t assume that because a sibling doesn’t have a job, or that they need a place to stay, they are best suited for caregiving responsibilities. Families should discuss and agree ahead of time on the tasks each person will handle and if anyone will be paid for care, or a home care agency like Visiting Angels will be hired.
3. If the caregiving responsibilities are already out-of-balance, decide how to ease the burden for the primary caregiver. Divide up care responsibilities according to what everyone does best. Whether household chores, cooking and shopping, or driving parents to doctor appointments – there is something each can contribute and a task to handle to help the primary caregiver. Maybe you want them to give you time off once in a while, or would you like them to contribute money for home care or companionship services or respite care here and there?
4. If you are the primary giver carrying the burden on your shoulders, make sure it is not partially your fault. Are you being over protective of your parents? Too controlling – feeling like no one can provide care as good as you can? You are headed for burn out. The first step to sharing the caring is to share information and keep brothers and sisters in the loop, as well as aware of opportunities to help. Keep all siblings up to date about your parent’s condition so everyone has the facts and reports from doctors. Remember that parents often tell each sibling different things about their health. They may tell your brother and sister they are fine and then call you constantly for help.
5. Ask for help clearly when you need it, and hold the guilt. Maybe you just need some emotional support, help with laundry or the lawn, or a break from Mom or Dad every Thursday afternoon from 12:00 noon to 3:00 pm! Siblings may assume since you are doing such a good job of caring for Mom and Dad you don’t need help. Steer clear of power struggles over your parent's assignment of legal powers, and don’t let inheritance disputes tear your family apart.
6. Separate your parent’s needs from your own. Change your perspective. Taking pride in being able to help your parent, or feeling satisfied that you are doing something important and valuable can help you feel less burdened. You can’t always make your Mom happy – if she is ill or just suffered a painful loss it is an impossible task. You can make sure your parents are well cared for, but it is not always possible to make them happy. Focus on the essential things your parent needs for good care and not the unimportant things that will exhaust you. Is it really a tragedy if your sister buys her a different brand of tuna?
7. Still not getting anywhere? If you have already let your family know what specific help you are looking for and when, with no response, then try to slowly get them involved in day-to-day activities. Often, people who aren’t around have no idea how much time, energy, and sacrifice is needed to support an older adult. They could be afraid of making a mistake or doing a bad job, and might be more willing to help if you slowly ease them in and train them on caregiving tasks.
8. If there’s too much conflict between siblings, consider getting a neutral, unbiased facilitator to mediate between the family members. Schedule a meeting while the whole family is in town for the holidays. Visiting Angels can be the neutral 3rd party that can help! Read our prior article how to deal with family in denial about seniors needing help here: https://www.visitingangels.com/palmbeaches/ways-to-deal-with-family-denial-about-declining-health-weekly-message_252.
9. Give yourself a break this holiday season with respite care. Consider Visiting Angels for hourly respite care or intermittent care. Our companionship services might prove beneficial for your loved one and provide a much needed break for YOU from your caregiving duties. Learn more here: https://www.visitingangels.com/palmbeaches/give-yourself-the-gift-of-respite-care-weekly-message_868
10. Be realistic - don’t expect equality. Things weren’t equal when you were kids and family dynamics don’t change just because you are older. If you want to enjoy the holidays, take the drama out of the situation, the holidays are stressful enough. Even a brother or sister that lives far away can help with holiday decorations, shopping, cooking etc., while they are here visiting and on vacation. Have them drive Mom or Dad to see a holiday movie or go to a concert of holiday music – it will give you a break.
TILL NEXT TIME!
Irv Seldin, JD
President and CEO of Visiting Angels of the Palm Beaches