Watching a parent’s health decline with age is among the most stressful life events for any son or daughter.
But working together as a family to find and hire a professional caregiver can alleviate some of that stress and strain. It can also create new bonds between family members. Drawing on each other for support, expertise and input is vital in creating a care plan for an aging parent.
Delaying these conversations, or worse, not involving all family members early on can lead to hurt feelings, damaged relationships and a delay in getting the most comprehensive care for Mom or Dad.
The crucial first step is to assemble the whole family, including those who may be difficult or in denial. For more information on building consensus within your family for a home care strategy, click here.
There is often a role for everyone. Here are a few ways that each family member can get involved.
The responsibility of becoming the primary family caregiver when Mom or Dad gets sick tends to fall on daughters. If the responsibility has fallen on a sister, make sure she wants to continue this role. If she doesn’t, the family can work together to investigate home care options and hire a professional caregiver.
With frank and honest conversation, another sibling or even an adult grandchild - who may have more time with less personal demands in his or her life - may want to take more of a role organizing the research to give the primary family caregiver a needed break.
But at least one family member should take the lead to ensure that family members continue coming together to discuss options and keep the family on track.
Most siblings have the expertise or specialized skills that can be activated as the family begins its journey to find a professional caregiver.
Who researches as part of their job? Who is the most critical thinker among the siblings? Is there an accountant or a bookkeeper in the group? Is there a doctor or a nurse? How about a lawyer?
Delineate the tasks ahead and find the sibling with the natural expertise in that area. The work will be more thorough and will get done faster, meaning your parent gets the best care possible. The following are potential roles:
Don’t be afraid to lean on your aunts and uncles.
Enlist them to help, if they are willing and able, to share possible triggers for your mom or dad. They also may be able to offer recommendations for professional caregivers that either they or their friends have used in the past. Look for negative feedback as well as positive feedback.
They also may be the trusted voice that helps convince your parent of the best professional care options as you move closer to a decision.
Often overlooked in such discussions and decision making, grandchildren - young and adult - can offer unique perspectives. They know their grandparents like few others and often can be more candid. Grandchildren are also excellent at research through social media and can help validate home care providers.
Take them along to visit possible providers. They may be bolder when asking questions and not afraid to offend anyone. Remember they also want the very best for grandma or grandpa. They also may see things you don’t.
Family friends will likely know Mom or Dad very well and, if willing, may be able to provide input into the best (or worst) type of caregiver for your parent. They may recognize that Dad is just plain stubborn and will be able to give thoughts on the kind of professional caregiver who can handle him or, better yet, get him to do what needs to be done.
They may know intimate details about your parent that you don’t and can offer perspectives you may overlook or simply not know about.
Don’t forget to reach out to your friends as well for expertise in needed areas that your siblings or others don’t have.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you are not in this alone. There are roles for every family member in this vital decision. And for more information on why it’s better to act sooner than later when retaining a professional caregiver, click here.
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With his caregiver Helen, Angell’s humor, his sense of fun, his innate frankness shone. She blessed his life.