Caring for an elderly parent or loved one can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life—but it can also be one of the most challenging. Many adult children find themselves unexpectedly faced with a new role: that of a caregiver. This role often comes with a set of emotional and physical demands that can feel overwhelming, especially when your parent or loved one starts exhibiting behavior that feels selfish or unreasonable. 

If you're struggling to cope with a parent whose behavior feels self-centered, demanding, or dismissive, you're not alone. The aging process can bring out unexpected changes in people, sometimes turning once-thoughtful individuals into people who seem preoccupied with their own needs and feelings. Understanding these behaviors and how to manage them can help you navigate this challenging journey. The following tips may help family or caregivers navigate this new journey with their loved one.

Understand the Root Causes

It’s easy to feel frustrated or even resentful when your elderly parent or loved one seems overly demanding or inconsiderate. But before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to step back and try to understand the reasons behind this behavior. Most of the time, selfishness isn’t intentional, but rather the result of underlying factors that are affecting your parent’s ability to connect with others in the way they once did.

For instance, health issues like chronic pain, dementia, or other cognitive disorders can cause significant changes in personality. A once-generous parent might suddenly seem irritable or disoriented because they are struggling with physical or mental health issues that limit their ability to empathize. Some common causes of personality changes are:

• Cognitive decline (such as dementia or Alzheimer's)
• Physical pain (chronic illness or disability)
• Fear of losing independence and loss of control (anxiety about aging)
• Loneliness and isolation (feeling disconnected from others)

Use Compassionate Communication

When your parent’s behavior becomes difficult, it’s essential to keep communication open and respectful. However, this doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings or tolerating behavior that is hurtful to you. The key is to express yourself in a way that is non-confrontational, using “I” statements to avoid blaming your parent.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re being selfish and inconsiderate,” you could try:

• “I feel stressed when you call me multiple times a day without giving me time to handle other responsibilities.”
• “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t get the chance to make plans for myself.”

This approach minimizes defensiveness and creates an opportunity for dialogue. Keep in mind, this will likely take some time and practice, especially if your parent’s behavior is coming from a place of frustration or fear. But it can go a long way in building a healthier relationship based on mutual respect.

Set and Stick to Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries with your elderly parent is one of the most important steps in preserving your own mental and emotional health. It’s easy to get swept up in their demands and lose sight of your own needs. However, by establishing clear, respectful boundaries, you can maintain a sense of control over your life while still being a loving caregiver. 

For example, if your parent or loved one insists on constant attention or becomes overly demanding, you might need to set limits around how much time you spend together. You could say something like, “I can visit you for an hour, but I need to leave after that to take care of other things.” If your parent or loved one reacts negatively, stand firm, but offer reassurance: “I love you, and I’m here for you, but I also need time for myself.”

Setting these types of boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve always been the “dutiful” child. But without boundaries, you risk burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Practice Empathy and Patience

Practicing empathy is essential to maintaining your emotional well-being and sustaining a loving relationship with your parent. Keep in mind that the selfish behavior you see might be a reflection of your parent’s own struggles, rather than a deliberate effort to upset you.

Take a moment to ask yourself what your parent might be feeling. If they are in chronic pain, feeling isolated, or experiencing the early stages of dementia, they may be scared, confused, or frustrated, and these emotions could manifest as demanding or self-centered behavior.

Do your best to approach your parent or loved one with empathy and patience, no matter what kind of behavior they are exhibiting. Make sure to consistently enforce your boundaries when necessary, but also try to put yourself in their shoes and understand their perspective. You can acknowledge their feelings and frustrations in a healthy way, and reassure them that you are there to support them.

Sometimes, simply feeling heard and understood can alleviate their need to act out.

Don't be Afraid to Ask for Help

Dealing with a selfish elderly parent can be overwhelming. If you find yourself constantly struggling to meet your parent’s needs while neglecting your own, it’s important to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for support, whether from other family members, your siblings, professional caregivers, or even therapy.

If your parent’s physical or emotional needs are becoming too much for you to handle alone, you might want to explore respite care options. Respite care gives you a break while ensuring that your parent is still receiving the care they need. This could be a professional caregiver coming to your home to offer assistance for you to attend to professional, personal or leisure activities.

Taking Time for Yourself

It’s easy to lose yourself in caregiving, especially when your parent is demanding a lot of your time and energy. However, to be a compassionate and effective caregiver, you must take care of your own needs as well. Prioritize self-care and make time for activities that recharge you—whether it’s exercising, enjoying hobbies, or simply spending time with friends. You will be the most effective caregiver if your own needs are met also.

Seek Medical Advice When Needed

If your parent’s selfish behavior seems to be linked to a medical condition—such as dementia, depression, or chronic pain—seeking professional help can make a big difference. A healthcare provider can assess whether an underlying medical issue is contributing to their behavior and offer treatment, medications, therapies or coping strategies.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with a selfish elderly parent or loved one is never easy, and it’s important to acknowledge the emotional toll that caregiving can take. But with empathy, communication, boundaries, and support, you can manage this challenging situation while preserving your relationship with your parent. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for you to continue being the compassionate, loving caregiver that you want to be. It's better to create good memories with your parent or loved one by ensuring you  risk burnout by failing to care for yourself. Don't hesitate to reach out to Visiting Angels in North Idaho for professional support when you need help. We are ready to serve seniors at home in Athol, Priest River, Sandpoint, Coeur d'Alene, Hauser, Harrison, Hayden, Hayden Lake, Post Falls, Moscow & more. 

If you would like to find out more about how we can assist your loved one, fill out our online contact form or give us a call at 208-415-1000 to schedule a free care consultation. Our team can answer your questions, address your concerns, and provide you with any information you need to make an informed decision about your loved one’s care. We look forward to meeting you and your family!